Mommy's farewell to her baby

My darling Snow White,

When I first picked you up I didn't know what to make of you. You were so afraid of everything and seemed really unresponsive. I did not know what kind of personality you really had. The first night you were quiet, sleeping in your crate in my room. You seemed to warm up to people in the first few days, and it became clear that you were a loving little girl who always wanted to be with her people. The first week was rough, as you decided that being in your crate all night was no fun, and you made sure Mommy knew it. You caught on quickly to sleeping at night and not going potty in your crate, but it still took a long time before you accepted going to bed after a few minutes. The truth is that Mommy wanted you to sleep with her, but wanted to wait until you were past the point of having accidents before you were allowed on the bed all night. We never got that far, but when you did sleep on Mommy's bed, it was something that I cherished. You would come up and say hi to me in the middle of the night, waking me up, but in such a happy, cheerful way that I had a hard time holding it against you. When you did that one morning when I woke up, I knew that I would be happy to have you there every morning when I awoke. A few times you came and slept with your head by mine. I didn't mind losing a little bit of sleep to enjoy those moments. Mommy was both sad and pleasantly surprised when you jumped off of the bed the night before your surgery and went in your crate on your own. I wanted you to sleep with me that night, but you showed me that you knew where your bed was. The thought of you willingly going to bed after two months of protesting was like a breakthrough. Maybe some of your training was finally working!

I will admit that you frustrated me to no end with your potty habits. From day 1 I could not get you to go where you were supposed to go. Spending 45 minutes in the rain with you outside early one morning finally did me in. You were just not going to go on the grass! The patio was a compromise, and there were days when you were such a good girl. Other days I wondered if you would ever be housebroken. We never did finish potty training, but Mommy would happily trade cleaning up after you for not having you here at all. I think I spanked you too hard the other day for going potty in the apartment, and I apologize for that. The next few days you might have noticed that I went a little bit easy on you. I never wanted you to fear me.

One of the things that both annoyed and delighted me is how your tail always wagged when I scolded you. It was annoying because I was sure that I just wasn't conveying what I wanted to. It delighted me because my little girl was happy. Your tail was really active most of the time, and the happiness you expressed with it reassured me that I was not a horrible Mommy to you. There were so many things that I just wasn't sure how to handle, and whether or not I did the best thing, you were still cheerful.

I don't know if dogs can really smile, but I think that if any dog ever did, you were the one. Your little face shone as you looked at me sometimes, and your mouth seemed to express happiness. Can I say enough how much your happiness made me happy? Your happy personality was a source of great joy to me, and that smile was just one way you showed it.

You were always inquisitive and got into everything. This had it's charm, since it was clear that you were a smart little girl exploring your little world. One of my favorite things was to observe how you fetched toys from another room and brought them to where I was to play with them. You knew where your favorite things were. I was thinking seriously about getting a toy box of sorts for you so your toys had a place to be put away properly and also because you seemed to like playing with the toys you got out yourself more than the ones I got out for you. I guess I can start hanging a towel on the oven door again since I don't have to worry about you pulling it down anymore. I still can't find my cell phone and one of my flip-flops. Do you happen to remember where you played with them last? I'd like a pair of shoes for running next door to the laundry room and really want the contact information that was stored in my phone!

I think the one thing that I will miss the most is how you always wanted to be with me, and to be the center of my attention. From the morning greeting to the evening request to join me on my bed, you were with me when I was home. I loved how you wanted me to pick you up every time I went to the bathroom, and you know that I usually gave in and spent a moment giving you loving. I loved how you would jump up on me to ask me to play or just to pick you up as I did things around the apartment. I loved how you stuck your head in the shower while I was in there, then greeted me when I was done, extending your right paw toward me as if to urge me to hurry up and dry off so I could be with you, then how you licked my toes as soon as I stepped out. I love how you wanted to be on the bed when I got dressed every morning, and how you would sometimes sit in the bathroom while I dried my hair, just to be near me. Even if you left the room to eat breakfast or dinner or to go potty, you always very quickly came back to where I was. I especially loved how you would run to the patio door as if to beg me to come back inside when I left, and I loved saying good-bye to you one last time as I walked past to patio to the parking lot. Then you were at the patio door again to see me when I came home, racing then to the door to wait for me. Oh, the greetings you gave me! You were always so happy to see me, and I was so very happy to see you.

You were very silly sometimes, and it always amused me. You saw your reflection in the oven door, the patio door, the door on the aquarium stand and in the mirror in the office, and it seemed to me that you just wanted to play with the puppy you saw there. I kept having to tell you that Mommy didn't keep puppies inside cabinets, closets, the oven or on the patio, but you didn't seem to understand what I was saying.

If there is one thing that I cannot deny, it is how cute you were. I especially remember seeing you with two little pink bows in your hair the first time you were groomed. You looked so adorable. I always thought bows were silly until that moment. Suddenly I loved them! I was so apprehensive when I had them actually cut your hair, but I think the shorter haircut really accentuated your cuteness. You were such a pretty little dog with such nice, soft fur. It made petting you just that much more special!

Your memory was very good. I mentioned how you knew where to find your toys, but you also remembered other things as well. I loved watching you after you had gotten all of the treats out of the treat ball. You retraced your steps, revisiting each spot to make sure that you didn't miss any of the treats. You were very accurate, and occasionally your memory paid dividends in the form of treats you missed the first time around. You also did one thing that really amused me. I was eating in the sitting room, food on a tray table next to the futon. You were on the floor in the middle of the room. You started barking like crazy at the window. Since you rarely barked, I was curious. I kept telling you there was nothing there, but you didn't seem to believe me. I got up to take a better look outside, and you jumped up on the futon. By the time I turned around, you had your face in my Flaming Hot Cheetos. I don't think you got to do anything other than sniff, although after I took them away from you I thought that maybe it would have been better to let you eat one, since I think you wouldn't like how spicy they were. The next day, I was again sitting on the futon, eating food that was on the tray table, and you started barking again. I got up, taking my food with me, and sure enough, there you were on the futon, sniffing where the food had been. You little stinker! Did you plan it the first time or did you just get lucky and thought you'd try your hand two days in a row?

There were things that frustrated me over and over again. One was that you loved chewing on furniture. You left your mark on the tray tables, the glider in the sitting room, the little wooden stand I got at Ikea when I was in college and on the computer desks that I put together one weekend. We were still working on understanding that it is not okay to play by biting people, but fortunately it was usually only Mommy who got to feel your teeth. I liked how biting often turned into kisses for a moment until the urge to chew took over again. You are the first dog I ever let kiss my face, since the kisses were usually limited in number and restricted to the bottom of my chin or my lower cheek. You kissed Mommy's hands a lot, and that was special.

I had plans for you that I am sad never came to fruition. As soon as Richelle moved the rest of her things out, I was going to try to construct some things for you to jump on. You loved jumping up on a toy box that Richelle left on the patio and also climbing your way up the pile of boxes in the sitting room so you could look out the window. I wanted to make you some sturdier large steps both for the patio and the sitting room so you could get high enough to see out. I also had thoughts of seeing how well you took to your formal training and then maybe looking into some agility training. You seemed to really enjoy jumping up on things and around things, so you might have done rather well on an obstacle course. We were going to start your training next Monday, and I am sure you would have learned quickly, since you figured out “sit” rather quickly when Mommy tried to teach you at least that one command. I am sorry that we never got to see you reach your potential, because you really had a lot!

Today would have been your 6 month birthday. Mommy was going to give you some canned food as a special treat to honor that milestone. It was a painful reminder this morning to see the date. You died so very young, Baby Girl.

I distinctly remmber how one morning at church I thanked God specifically for you since you brought so much joy into my life. That morning I also thanked Him for being willing to break His own heart by sending His Son to die when I do not know if I would be willing to bring myself pain if he asked me to give something up that meant a lot to me. We sang “Blessed Be Your Name” that morning in church, and that song has been with me for the past few days. My road has been marked with suffering, losing you in such a way. It has been painful to offer praises in days that are filled with darkness. The LORD gives, and He takes away. You were a blessing that I recognized and praised Him for. Even while I still ask why did such a rare thing happen to you, my sweet little angel, and why was my precious puppy taken from me, I know that I enjoyed a little bit more than two months of a wonderful blessing. I am so glad you were part of my life, even though it meant that I had to experience the pain of losing you. You were so special and meant so much to me. You will forever be etched into my memory.

God provided for me by giving me some time to mourn. Your death came before a long weekend, which allowed me time to weep and lose sleep. It also is giving me time to process your life and death before I have to go back to work. I really needed this time to mourn, to get away, and to come back and try to get on with the business of living again in a world without you.

I received two sympathy gifts from people. The first were white flowers. I don't know if the person who gave them to me purchased white flowers on purpose or not, but I think they are appropriate for your memory. Right now they are sitting on top of your crate in the living room. The second is a very soft mommy elephant holding her baby in her trunk. It reminds me of how much I loved holding you. I put it on the back corner of the couch where you liked to sleep.

Snow White, I'm sorry I was not there for you on your last, horrible day, but I cannot change the past no matter how badly I want to. You were taken from me, given your last kiss and last hug only as a temporary good-bye. I am saying my final farewell to you now, and if I would have you know one thing in your life, it is that your Mommy loved you so very much. Good-bye, precious little girl. Mommy will miss you!