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For whatever reason pondering spiritual gifts made me think of the five love languages. I think the love languages are interesting. The five languages are:
Words of Affirmation
Receiving Gifts
Quality Time
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
I think all of us understand all of them but certainly respond better to some than to others. I think we also need to know how to "speak" all of them, because I think they compliment and enforce each other. My biggest one is words of affirmation. I realized that a few years ago. This is telling someone that you appreciate them and why. I used to strive to be the best because I wanted praise. I knew my parents were proud of me when I got extremely good grades in high school, but when the grades came home they did not tell me that, and I was so disappointed. The lack of words hurt.
I think my very strong stance on when it is okay to say "I love you" to someone is because this is my primary love language. I don't want to hear empty words because I need to know that the words I hear are sincere. I attach a lot of meaning to words, so when they are said I expect them to carry the meaning I attach to them or I may begin to doubt that they are true at all.
Words need to be backed up by action. The other four gifts are more "active" than words are. I have more trouble identifying which order these go in for me. I value all of them. Quality time is necessary for relationships because that allows you to get to know the other person better and maintain the relationship you already have. Lack of quality time will eventually lead to people drifting apart from each other. Physical touch is something I usually respond to well. I am very wary of entering other people's personal space unless I know them well, but I like it when my friends enter mine. I did not grow up in a physically affectionate family, but I kind of wish that I had because it would make this language easier for me to speak. I think I have improved in this area over the years, however. Both time and touch are gifts of presence.
Receiving/giving gifts and acts of service are things than can be done in someone's absence. They both say, "I was thinking of you." That's a great message to send and to receive. Gifts can be small or large, expensive or free, purchased or made. I think I like to speak this language as much if not more than I like to receive it. It is fun to buy something nice and take the time and effort to make it look pretty. I care a lot less about the kinds of stuff I receive. For me, it is the thought that counts. Acts of service can also range far and wide. I think in families and other really close relationships these are the kinds of things that can seem small and simple but are very meaningful. Making sure I don't leave hair in the bathroom sink is an act of service to my roommate, since it honestly does not bother me to have it there but would absolutely drive her crazy. I choose to love her and try to clean it up. I don't always succeed. It's small, but it is a way to love someone. I think sometimes acts of service go unnoticed, but that is okay, since the objective is to show love to the one you serve.
What do you think about the love languages? How useful are they? What speaks to you best?
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9 comments:
I read about that in the awful book my ex-fiance got me to read. It is possibly a helpful idea.
It is possibly a helpful idea.
That's a little bit non-committal, Matt. :P
I tend to psychoanalyze myself from time to time, which is probably why I like this kind of stuff. ;)
What does :P mean?
It's a smilie with its tongue sticking out. I used it in a display of utmost maturity. ;)
I remember having to discuss those in my religion (catholic) class in high school, but it was to no avail because they failed to metnion the love of Christ. Go figure.
The greatest love language is the one of John 3:16 and that is the one that speaks to us the most!
Yes, that is true, but that's a heavenly display of love. This is about human relationships. Where the love comes from is not the issue. These are not varieties of love. Honestly I think it is helpful to think about how we display love.
I have observed my parents over the years and know that they do not speak the same love language. My father likes to give gifts, but that is not what my mother responds to particularly well. My father will buy my mother flowers and she will ask him why he spent money on something like that. This doesn't work on two levels. My father is not effectively communicating to my mother that he loves her as well as he could through another medium. My mother is not really allowing my father to show her that love by not showing appreciation for his effort. If my father had cleaned the house, my mother would feel much more loved because she responds best to acts of service (at least that is my observation). Do you see how an understanding of how to communicate love can help relationships?
Angie, you are right and that is food for thought. I shall have to think and dwell upon it a bit more.
I'm glad you're going to think about it. Here's a little something from an e-mail I received (it was written before I posted this but it ended up in my junk mail so I didn't see it until this evening):
Sorry I never call you, I am just not much of a phone person. I'm weird like that. But if that's how you feel loved just let me know and I will make more of an effort.
Tell me how I can love you and I will love you in that way. That's the spirit of this concept in action in that e-mail. It is more necessary in some relationships than it is in others, for sure, but I think it's a helpful tool.
I have never read the book though a friend of mine gave me a copy a couple of months ago (she had 2 so she gave me the extra one). Haven't gotten around to reading it though I've heard lots about it. With the general grasp of the concept that I've gotten, I do think it is helpful. :)
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